The Long, Lazy Days of Summer: The Importance of Downtime for Children

Children, more than ever, need downtime. Just like the changing of the seasons, our children’s internal clocks require a shift from schedules, homework, and screen time to enjoy the lazy days of summer and all that they offer.  

Our bodies are more relaxed with the warmer days and increased daylight—all conducive to enjoying more outside time and new freedoms. Consider letting your children sleep according to their natural rhythms and wake up when their bodies tell them to, not by an alarm. Children generally need 10 to 12 hours of sleep, but few get this during the school year. If your children go to camp, select one that starts a little later than the school day.

If your children are spending more time with you this summer, here are some peaceful activities that you might consider:

Encourage your children to walk, whenever possible, and to use the bus, so that even walking to the bus stop is a change in pace. Visiting a new park every week can be a fun adventure in the city, because your children can see that each neighborhood has its own distinct personality.

Make it possible for your children to have unscheduled time to daydream, draw, watercolor, or take an art class. Nurturing hobbies and interests helps to bring out new dimensions to their personalities and,    perhaps, allows them to make new friends. Art not only uses different areas of the brain—working in clay, paints, and other media challenges children to think in new ways—but it also proves therapeutic and soothing. 

Explore farmers’ markets and teach children about where different foods come from in our vast agricultural state. Plant a garden in the early spring, or in containers or in a community garden, so that your children learn to care for something. It is rewarding for children to see grow something that they nurtured with their very own hands. Watering and weeding and other slow-motion activities allow them to be one with nature and to focus unhurriedly on one task.

Speaking of foods, change the backdrop where you eat dinner. Go to a park or to a beach and let children enjoy open spaces with a friend or family member before and after the meal. This could be a weekly event to organize as a family, allowing each person a turn to plan the menu, shop for the food, and contribute in its preparation. It shows children that while meals take time to plan, they can also be fun to execute.

Pick a long chapter book to read from every night as a family, encouraging your children to take a turn at expressing themselves through storytelling. In addition, consider acting out plays or puppet shows, which enable children to use their imaginations and be active participants.

More than anything, enjoy the season together and, whenever possible, find ways to break with routine. And don’t forget to capture the night sky while dripping in watermelon juice ….  The magic of the season is upon us.

Mechele Pruitt, BA, is the Director of San Francisco Parents Place.

Summer Vacation and Sensory Processing Disorder

In our ongoing series on summertime fun, we are pleased to offer the expertise of one of our Parents Place occupational therapists, who offers thoughtful recommendations to parents of children with sensory processing disorders:

School is coming to an end, and summer is before us. It is a time for families to spend more unscheduled time together, which in many cases, involves travel. Traveling with a child who has sensitivities or a sensory processing disorder can prove quite challenging. The summer brings many changes for a child, including new routines, out-of-town company, groups of new kids, and different demands and expectations. Add to those changes the family vacation. For the child who seeks routines, schedules, and consistent expectations, a trip to the “unknown” can be very disruptive. Here are some suggestions and tips to help make your trip a happy one:

• Provide your children with a special backpack that contains all of the items they may need for self-regulation. You may wish to include sunglasses to block out bright light, gum to chew, or headphones to block out hard-to-tolerate sounds. A weighted lap pad or blanket can be useful for those long trips in the car or plane. The added weight of carrying a backpack can help with the transitions from one place to another. Think about the regulators you child uses at home. Bring or adapt items for travel. 
• Discuss the trip ahead of time. If there are pictures that children can look at in advance, they often can visualize the unknowns ahead of them. If visiting family, photos are a great way for children to recognize and feel comfortable with their family members and the places they are going to see.
• Avoid major triggers. If your child struggles with crowds, loud noises, or visual over-stimulation, try to avoid these situations as much as you can.
• Routines are important for children with sensory processing challenges. Keeping to a routine as much as possible may help reduce anxious situations. 
  
• Pretend play before a trip can also help ease anxiety. Practice “going to the airport” or sleeping in a sleeping bag. Giving multisensory input—such as sounds, touch, and smells—may help prepare children for particular sensations they may experience on the trip.
• Pace yourselves accordingly. Try to limit the number of transitions children have to experience each day. Treasure the times your children can participate in an activity without a meltdown!

Summer vacation is a time to be anticipated with excitement. You can help create wonderful lifelong memories by limiting expectations, letting things go, and—most important of all—enjoying your little ones for who they are.  

Deanne Kelly, BS, is a Board-certified occupational therapist at Peninsula Parents Place. 

How Do We Ground Helicopter Parenting?

Most of us have the best of intentions when it comes to our kids. We won't hover, and we'll let our children do things for themselves and learn from their mistakes. But sometimes we just can't resist the urge to jump in for them--finishing their math homework, cleaning their rooms, or answering questions posed for them before they've even had a chance to reply! "While not a new phenomenon, helicopter parenting has intensified and can have crippling effects on children," said Karen Friedland Brown, Director at the Peninsula Parents Place, where thousands of families come each year for help with parenting challenges. 

“Helicopter parenting transcends race, class, religion, and the age of your children,” continues Karen. “It can start when children are still babies simply from our intense desire to protect our little ones or with our discomfort when they cry or have tantrums. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of coddling or hovering.” 

As children grow, many involved parents feel anxious about their children’s prospects for success. “Our kids mean everything to us and we want them to realize their full potential, but in today’s increasingly complex and competitive world, parents often feel they need to create opportunities for their kids,” says Karen, who, with her colleagues, helps many mothers and fathers stressed out by over-parenting.

But when parents constantly take over their kids’ assigned chores for them, do their science projects, and intervene in minor scrapes with their peers, they are not helping at all. “Just the opposite,” says Karen. “We’re saying to our children that they’re incapable of fending for themselves or meeting their responsibilities. They end up feeling weak and powerless. Well into their twenties, they’re looking to mom and dad to cope with everyday problems we all must learn to manage.”

Parents Place workshops and consultations help parents support children to be strong, independent adults. Karen and her colleagues offer the following insights and suggestions to those interested in weaning themselves off helicopter parenting:

• Before intervening on your child’s behalf, measure risks. It’s one thing to notify school authorities if your child is being bullied. It’s another to complete her book report for her. Allow her to learn what happens when she doesn’t follow through on her responsibilities.
• Use mistakes as opportunities for growth. If your son forgets his lunchbox, deliver it to school the first time. But then tell him, “I was glad to bring you your lunch today, but what are you going to do to make sure that you don’t forget it in the future?” This will help him to learn how to problem-solve on his own.
• Discuss with your children’s teachers appropriate guidelines for assisting with homework. Is it okay, for instance, to proofread your children’s assignments and use review times as lessons in spelling, grammar, and punctuation? Individual teachers will differ on this, so do consult them.
• When you praise your child, recognize specific achievements and nurture your child’s efforts, i.e.  “I see that you have included so many details in your drawing. I like that you took your time and you really focused on it.”
• Avoid lavishing of general praise, i.e. “That’s the best drawing ever!” Or, “You are so smart and talented. I know that you’re going to ace that math test.” What happens if your child does not ace that math test?
• Talk about your own challenges and failures, and model your problem-solving techniques with your children. Young people gain hope and strength when they hear that mom and dad must work hard to achieve results, too.
• Continue to consider other measures of success and communicate them, verbally and nonverbally, to your children: loving relationships, strong friendships, formation of values, work you believe in, and capacity to empathize and help others in need.

From everyday issues to challenges requiring special assessment, Parents Place can help with all the challenges of raising children. We offer parenting workshops, parent coaching & consultation, child behavior & school support, clinical & special needs services, parent/child activity groups, and child & family therapy.

To talk to Parents Place professionals about helicopter parenting and other concerns, call 415-359-2443 or contact the Parents Place office nearest you.

See more advice on how to talk to your kids in this Wall Street Journal article: “The Praise a Child Should Never Hear.”

Summer and the Living Is Easy?

Part II: Planning for Successful Summer Transitions

Summer is approaching, and that means plenty of transitions, including summer camps, travel plans, and out-of-town visitors. These experiences can be a welcome change from the daily rituals of the school year. For young children, however, this change can bring uncertainty, unpredictability, and unfamiliar people into their regular routines.

With some advanced preparation, parents can ease the challenges presented during these and other summer transitions. By thinking about the variety of potential reactions to change, parents can anticipate, prepare, and intervene in a positive way to ensure a more pleasant experience for everyone in the family.

Summer Camps 

Choose carefully. The best camp for the child next door may not be the best camp for your child. Some children prefer structured camps, while others enjoy learning a variety of new activities. Some children prefer to be outdoors most of the time, while others crave inventing a robotics vehicle. Keep in mind that even if your child prefers the routines of his/her current preschool, the teaching staff may change over the summer. Come up with a separation plan for the first day of camp. Bring a familiar item from home, a photo of the family, and a special treat in the lunchbox. Visit the camp beforehand, if possible. This is also an opportunity for your child to learn some resiliency, bond with a new caregiver, cope with change, and try out something new.  

Travel Plans

Car trips, plane travel, and train adventures might provide excitement, anxiety, boredom, and the ongoing search for the nearest bathroom. Common challenges include motion sickness, picky eating or unhealthful food options, and the constant whine for entertainment. Once you get to your destination, there are additional challenges of sleeping in a new place, eating new foods, and acclimating to new surroundings. Some children thrive in this environment, while others will be very sensitive to these changes. If your child hasn’t done a long car trip, plan for regular rest stops for stretching, bring familiar food from home, and plan some car games, like Travel Bingo. Electronic items can add to motion sickness, so beware of relying solely on them for entertainment. For plane travel, parents might want to spend the afternoon at a local airport to watch the planes land and take off.

Visitors

Summertime brings family and friends to your home for a visit. Think about where your visitors will sleep and how much disruption there will be to your child’s schedule and routine. If you need to move your child to another room, make the change in advance, so your child can begin to adjust before people arrive. Think about how you will squeeze in a few more people to your dining room table or if you’ll decide to have more picnics in the backyard. If you need to move some toys out of the family room, do so a few days in advance so your child can adjust. If you can, you might want to call or Skype family members or friends a few days before the visit so your child can reconnect before their arrival.

Summer transitions can be managed with some advanced planning and a thoughtful approach. Particularly if your child is spirited or sensitive, a proactive approach may help you avert the tantrum or meltdown brought about by unexpected change. Expect some disruptions to sleep, eating, and consistent potty use, knowing that your child will bounce back after returning to a more typical schedule and routine. Once you’ve anticipated some potential transition challenges and planned accordingly, you will be much more ready to enjoy your summer plans! 

Heidi Emberling, MA, is an early childhood educator and child development specialist.

Summertime and the Living is Easy?

It is almost here, the most eagerly anticipated and perhaps the most dreaded time of year for families. George Gershwin clearly did not know what it was like to have children when he wrote “Summertime” for the opera Porgy and Bess.

 
Whether you are planning a family vacation, preparing your kids for camp, staying home, or some combination of all three, it is important to keep the following in mind:

1) Remember that the transition from school to summer activities can be stressful for some children. Change in routine, no matter how welcome, is an adjustment. Start talking about plans ahead of time and mark things on a family calendar for everyone to reference.

2) Choose activities that have been successful in the past, or that you know your children will love. Taking a child who does not like rides to Great America or Six Flags can be a recipe for disaster. Most children will not suddenly “decide” they like rides. Most likely, they will be highly anxious throughout the day, which is pleasant for no one. (This may sound obvious, but having made this mistake myself many years ago, it’s worth a mention.)  This same applies for a multiple-day family trip to Disneyland—unless you are fine staying at the hotel pool or paying for your child’s admission to an amusement park with the knowledge that s/he will not be participating in any rides.  

3) Summer is a great opportunity for children to try activities they have expressed interest in during the school year. Many children are overloaded during the year, so finding a time when they can try out new things without a lot of outside pressures can be exciting and worthwhile.

4) When planning your vacation, keep your children’s temperaments in mind. For some, “less is more.” They may not be able to sight-see or remain active for as long as other family members. If you have children who are extreme opposites, it may be best to divide up activities. You and your younger child can go to the beach, while your spouse or partner accompanies your older child to the science museum. You can then all meet later at the hotel for lunch or dinner. 

5) Try to find some down time—both as an individual and as a couple. You will likely be spending more time with your children during the summer, so carving out some time and space for yourself is vital, as well as nurturing.

Wishing you a lovely summer, and don’t forget the sunscreen!

Mimi Ezray, LCSW MPH, is the Coordinator of Children's Clinical Services at Parents Place on the Peninsula.

Staying Connected with Your Partner

For those of you with young babies, the idea of a romantic evening with your partner may seem a far distant fantasy. You may have only a dim memory of your partner’s sensuous touch or an uninterrupted conversation about your attachment to each other.  

One mother recently wrote: “It has been seven months since I had my son, and my husband and I are having a hard time finding time for each other. It seems that whenever we are settling in, my son starts to cry. What can we do?”

 

First, it’s so important to remember that you’re not alone. Most couples struggle to nurture their relationship while they focus their best energy on nurturing their baby. Many factors can conspire to drive a wedge between you: your baby’s unpredictability, sleep deprivation, poor diet, new worries, fluctuating emotions, physical discomfort, too many things to do, and too little time. The habits and rhythms of your life before your baby arrived have been completely disrupted.

You’ve also discovered that becoming parents is a time of great joy and bonding between you as you gaze together at this amazing and beautiful being. You share the excitement of each developmental milestone: the first time she smiles, the first time he rolls over, the first solids she eats, the first time you’re sure he said “dada.”

But, in the end, taking care of yourselves IS taking care of your baby, so here are some tips for creating time to nurture your relationship:

Evaluate your priorities and examine how you schedule your time. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy together. Note those you can still do when you’re with your baby and those you want time alone for.  Look for every opportunity for a bit of couple time. Those short moments can add up to a feeling of closeness if you give them your full attention. 

Consider a babysitter even if it’s just for 30 minutes alone. If regular sexual intimacy is a high priority, consider new times and places. Take advantage of those offers to “take the baby for an hour or two on Saturday afternoon.”  In his book After the Baby is Born, Carl Jones suggests, “[R]earrange your schedule to meet your baby’s needs. Have dinner at a different time, make love earlier or later.”  

It also helps to keep a realistic and balanced perspective. Remember that babies will gradually need less of your constant attention and that you will adapt to your new roles. Infancy and babyhood only last a short time. At that first birthday party, you’ll be wondering how the time went by so quickly.

Above all, communicate with each other – honestly, frequently, and empathically. Psychotherapist Paula Hall writes, “Talk, talk, talk and more talk. It can be difficult to keep lines of communication open when you're both busy and exhausted, but it's the most important thing you can do to prevent minor issues becoming major problems. Try to find at least one hour a week when you can talk through how things are going.”

Claire Marie Beery, MA, is Director of Sonoma County’s Parents Place.

How Do You Quiet the Buzz of Cyberbullying?

“He is such a faxxx like i can’t belief his dum stupid shirt. what a xxxx fairy.”

Has your child ever received a text like this? If so, he has experienced cyberbullying. “When one child targets another through an electronic device like an iPhone to threaten, humiliate, or torment, he or she has engaged in cyberbullying,” says bullying expert Holly Pedersen, MFT, PhD, Director of the Community Education Center of Parents Place on the Peninsula. “What makes this form of bullying so lethal is that it usually falls under the radar until it’s too late—when the message goes viral. In extreme cases, the fallout has included a number of teen suicides.”

   

 

Holly says that the answer to cyberbullying is not pulling the plug on your kids’ electronic devices. Instead, like any challenge, sit them down and discuss your concerns in age-appropriate terms. “When your children can talk with you about issues in a calm and non-punitive manner, they are more likely to accept parental limits and less likely to get into trouble,” Holly says. She offers basic rules of the road for parents trying to establish sensible policies regarding their kids’ use of new media.

Basic Rules of the Road: How to Help Your Kids Navigate Cyberspace Safely and Responsibly

1. Do not show disdain for or distrust of electronic devices. Rather, embrace your children’s interest in and enthusiasm for new technology. When you do, they will be more likely to come to you for help and support.
2. Keep your computers in a central place.
3. Monitor use:
   a. Under age 12, use filtering and monitoring software, such as Net Nanny, CYBERsitter, or CyberPatrol (older kids usually can work around them), and set content filter on browser and search engines.
   b. 12 and older, familiarize yourself with the websites they visit and ask them to show you what they do online. Play dumb so that they can “teach” you what they’ve been exploring. Check browsing history.
4. Create a family contract for use. As your kids respect the boundaries in cyberspace, gradually increase their free use of the computer and other electronic devices and decrease your monitoring of them.
5. Discuss privacy settings together, and make sure that your children do not share passwords, even with friends.
6. Nurture your children’s other interests, whether they are sports, creative arts, or academic pursuits.
7. Set nighttime limits to use of cell phones and other devices.
8. Charge your children’s phones in your own bedroom.
9. As your children mature, continue to teach decision-making skills regarding cyberspace usage and discuss with them potential consequences of their decisions. Remind them that once unfortunate images are online, they can’t easily be taken down.
10. Establish codes of conduct—or “Netiquette.” Remind your children that whether they’re communicating with someone online or in person, the same rules of addressing others apply.
11. Discuss accountability. If you wouldn’t say something face to face (f2f), then don’t say it in cyberspace.
12.  Explain that every activity online combines to create a digital reputation.  Encourage your child to create a positive digital reputation.
13.  Remind your children that if they are having a conflict with a friend or peer, they need to resolve it f2f. Trying to resolve a heated disagreement online often leads to misunderstandings and more serious conflicts.
14. Discuss the differences between what can be perceived as funny and cruel. Calling a skinny friend “Fatso” online might be funny to both you and your friend, but texting an overweight classmate the same message is mean and unfunny.         

Bring JFCS’ anti-bullying program from Parents Place to your school >